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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  December 3, 2013 1:00am-1:31am PST

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- so you're telling us that dr. janus has been the owner of city wok all this time? - that's right. of all his multiple personalities, the strongest was lu kim, and we never would have known if it hadn't have been for inspector butters. [applause] - thanks. i'm just glad the whole thing is over and done. maybe now poor ol' dr. janus can finally get the help he needs. - yes, butters, thanks to you maybe dr. janus can get back to his real self. - yes, i'm sure he could. but then again... does the world really need another therapist? - what do you mean? - well, i mean, would it really be so bad for us to just let him go on thinking he's lu kim forever? now that city sushi is gone, city wok is the only chinese restaurant left in town. - oh, yeah. - yeah! let's just let him keep believing he's a chinese man. - done. - good! - all right! [all cheering] - detective, he's asking for a blanket. is that all right? - go ahead. we're gonna process him
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and get him back to the restaurant. - thank you. [thinking] ooh, i hate a japanese people. they try and shut down my city wok. but they never will. they're probably all watching me, the japanese. let them. i'm not even gonna swat that fly. they'll see. and they'll say, "wow, that city wok owner, why, he wouldn't even harm a fly." [suspenseful music] ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central >> from comedy central's world
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news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart! [ applause ] >> jon: hey, welcome to "the daily show", my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight, we are very excited, we have sir ian mckellen, he is here to promote jennifer lawrence in "the hunger games", we don't know why but we will continue to do that. we have been gone a week, our top story yet again tonight, a update on that was supposed to provide a online marketplace for health insurance but instead it records you having sex and mails it to your parents with the title christmas surprise. >> why does do it that? obama administration officials promised us by november 30th the web site will be functional and as you know it has already been november 30th so the so. >> white house is now work fog the vast majority of people who
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are trying to use it. it can now handle 50,000 users at a time, 800,000 a day. >> they say they have lowered response time to about one second and the error rate below one percent. >> jon: oh, my god. that one percent. i don't know what that is. of course the down side is that the only error that occurs is a really bad error. hey, you did it, guys and to celebrate i got you a card, i think you will enjoy it, it says congratulations on doing the thing you should have done months ago before we lost faith in the government. [ cheers and applause ] >> congratulations. that is not to say there still aren't problems. most of the front end may be looking good, people may be able to get on and get responses, but
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the information coming out the back end to the insurance companies is still garbage. >> >> i am starting to feel bad for them. because my guess is that you folks, like myself, the first thing you thought of as you watched that was, hey, it sounds like you are describing the frothing rectal juice. for which you are -- we will have to watch these words no water, no matter what he is talking about. he can't describe a web site as having garbage out the back end, it is like ordering cappuccino with extra form, can i have a coffee with the milky bubble? you know what? (bleep) it, just give me some tea. >> anyway, the point is there are still some problems with the obama web site and one of them is not going away which is the
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fundamental flaw of the affordable care act, the federal government is not capable of running the healthcare system, but we should root for is private, safer opportunities to improve the healthcare delivery to make health insurance more affordable. >> jon:. >> forget about obamacare if we can let the private sector run rampant in medical care, my gosh, you would be able to buy the equivalent of an iphone like you can now for $29. >> jon: where do you get your phone? i am sure the only way you can get the iphone equivalent for 29 bucks if you go to china town and snatch up a snapple y phone, which you can use to play all the top games, your irritated birds, your candy crunch, it is not even candy, that is lo zenk. >> my personal, lozenge. >> my favorite, root ninja. >> it catches the excitement of
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packing away at a root, because they are harder to -- cut. >> if you want to efficiently provide a product to millions of americans at once, the right thing in the private sector is the only way, government can't get it done, didn't we see an example of the private sector at work just this past week. >> pull out your credit cards black friday is here. >> black friday's bedlam. >> an ugly scene, frenzy shopping led to fist fights. >> slugging out right in the middle of the aisles. >> bruises. >> one pulling out a taser so you can hear the crackle of the stun gun. >> jon: yeah, there is something about the holidays. >> remind us how we like to gather with our loved ones around the crackle of a stun gun. my nuts roasting on the -- floor
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of the costco. dogs ripping at my face. >> but the deal i got on these set of patent patents. >> pants worth it. >> that is mean spirited. >> in texas tempers frayed, unleashed on the shoppers. >> jon: well, that is texas. they put that out on everything. >> in virginia, police say there was a stabbing. >> jon: well, that is virginia, you know, virginia is for stabbers. all right, so maybe black friday wasn't the best for customers but to be fair, the workers had it worse. >> in locations across the country, workers protested against the expanded holiday hours, wal-mart was a particular target. some employees of america's largest civilian employer picketed outside in ontario
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canada, a man dressed as santa claus was part of the protest. >> jon: oh, my god, how bad does your organization have to be for santa to protest your labor conditions, the man runs an elf sweatshop. >> the guy is working all hours and god forbid you don't want to make toys anymore, you want to be a dentist. oh, no! can't do that. can't be a dentist. got to make toys. >> by the way, if you were thinking you can skip all of that by staying home and shopping at, sea again. >> so much traffic its web site temporarily crashed. >> jon: but its web site is in the private sector. so basically, wal-mart spent months whipping consumers into violent frenzies and subjected the workers to the frenzies during a holiday all while their web site burned to the ground. i am curious, what does the private sector call this kind of debacle? >> wal-mart is calling it the
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most successful black friday in its history. >> jon: so the web site crashes is trying to give people healthcare is a national travesty but if wal-mart's crashes while people are disembowelling to get sky fall on blu-ray -- but, hey if the only metric that measures success there is one thing about obamacare conservatives can appreciate. >> within a few years big health insurance companies are going to get an extra $220 billion a year in revenue, thanks to obamacare. >> jon: woohoo, and the best part is, no one gets tasered. >> once they fix that part of the web site.ó8]÷ál-xj,íj ,96z u 7 rjrj,x,x
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>> jon: welcome back! thank you! >> it is finally december, which as we all know is the year's third. >> look it up. making it time once again for gay watch. >> where shall we begin? >> the supreme court has ruled against the christian owners of b and b who only allow companies to share a double bed if they are married.
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the judge says the policy discriminates against gay couples although it is applied to unmarried heterosexuals as well as homosexuals. >> jon: here is a career tip for you. if you don't like being around gay people, you really shouldn't open a bed-and-breakfast. [ cheers and applause ] >> jon: it is kind of their jam. in some cases -- by the way other businesses you don't want to open if you don't want to hang around gay people is liberace wax museum. >> and a subaru dealership. >> i am just saying, these owners seem to make a basic error of who your bed an breakfast target audience is, it is a shame because otherwise this bed-and-breakfast is quite lovely. >> you can get a home cooked english breakfast at the hotel and enjoy the views.
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>> jon: don't look up english breakfast on english dictionary, on urban dictionary. i can't help it. oh, my god! who cooks tomatoes for breakfast? there really is an urban dictionary for english breakfast and you don't want to know. let's meet the offending couple. >> we just had a relaxing weekend away, with thousand of other couples do in britain every weekend, we checked that he would be welcome and didn't cross our minds in 2008 in britain we needed to say where we would be. >> jon: of course the dog is welcome, the bible doesn't say anything about dogs going to hell. in fact, i have it on good authority that they all go to heaven. what kind of evil monsters would turn away this adorable pair of matching simon pegs. >> maple gave their reaction outside of the courts. >> jon: oh, my god, they are
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just sad eyed old people. >> i mean, you heard the supreme court -- taking away this basic right of sexual orientation. >> which is just ordinary -- to believe in the importance of marriage as the union of one man and one woman. >> jon: that is respectfully a load of (bleep). what kind of (bleep) i don't know. i fear (bleep), (bleep), (bleep), that is literally bull (bleep). first of all, if you are good christians you wouldn't charge wary travelers to stay in your home in the first place. you know where i learned that? a little best seller called the bible. maybe you have heard of it. like in romance 15:7, therefore welcome one another as christ has welcomed you for the glory of god, oh and by the way there is continental breakfast
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included. or this old chestnut from first peter, 4:9, show hospitality to one another without grumbling. >> and you be grumbling. >> not to mention olive garden, 24/7 when one is with you, he is family. >> as, that is jesus 101. with our final story we turn to the catholic church and david gregory's recent interview with cardinal dolan, let me touch on gave marriage. >> why do you think the church is losing the argument on it, in effect? >> well, i think maybe we have been out marketed. >> jon: what? the catholic church out marketed? you are the only fit that convinced a billion people to give up masturbation and pay ten percent of their income for the privilege. how does how does an organization like that get out marketed. >> when you have forces like
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hollywood, like politicians, when you have forces like some opinion molders that are behind it, it is a tough battle. >> jon: sure it is a tough battle when all you have on your side is god! i don't know if it ever occurred to you that maybe in this situation it is not about marketing, maybe, i don't know, maybe the catholic church is in this instance in a morally inferior position. but this is about marketing. we have to do struggling products, fire your creative team and rebrand a little bit. i give you a charlie brown heteronormal -- >> stop, everyone, stop this devil music. we have forgotten the true meaning of christmas. leviticus 20:13 if a man also lie with mankind, if he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination, they shall surely be put to death, their blood shall be upon them and it also says eating
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shellfish is an abomination but those are so delicious! now, let's all make this christmas tree a little less gay. >> yeah! >> perfect! now that is a proper heterosexual christmas tree. [ cheers and applause ] .
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jon: welcome back. my guests tonight is, you can see this actor on broadway,
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awaiting in no-man's-land, also starred in the upcoming movie the hobbit, the december shraition of smaug. >> you have chose. the desolation of smaug. >> the hobbit in the shire. >> i must tell you, i found something in the golden tunnels. >> found what? >> what did you find? >> my courage. >> jon: a courage bag of crack? welcome to the show ian mckellen! [ cheers and applause ] ian
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mckellen! they love it! >> thank you for joining us. what lovely friends you have got. >> jon: lovely people here. >> adorable! [ cheers and applause ] >> jon: we bus them in from a local methadone clinic and they are just so happy for the company. >> lovely. >> jon: as you can tell when you first walked out we shot the hobbit with that forced perspective which makes it appear as though i am much smaller. ian mckellen. how are you? nice to see you. >> that beard and mustache, and every single character knows in the hobbit they wear a wig. >> jon: is that the case? >> yes, it is,. >> jon: it is an all -- what are they going to do? they are going to have to discover more tolkien when this is over or new
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zealand will implode. >> there is plenty more as stephen colbert will tell you, there is more. >> jon: did they take from that because the hobbit, to get three movies from the hobbit do they borrow material from other places? >> they do a bit but think about this. this is the advantage of literature over film. toll can i enwrites. >> tolkien writes tens of thousands arrive gone plain. >> that isn't enough, you have to see the 10,000 arriving, it takes a long time for 10,000 arriving. >> jon: you can meet each guy. >> it can go on and on, it is basically the same story but a bit more of began do yo gandalfe is up to. he is having an affair with -- >> jon: oh! really? >> no, no. >> jon: oh! i thought wow, they are taking lints here. did you know when you were younger did you know helen mirren when you were starting out with her?
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>> i knew of her. >> jon: you never met her? >> she was not quite to my taste, i'm afraid. >> jon: no, no, no. i didn't mean that as a know her in the biblical sense m the biblical sense. >> jon: so i. >> so i had this actress on jennifer lawrence, terrific actress. >> yes. we should do something to help her. >> jon: so i point out, very, i think, shrewdly, and with great analysis she looks like a young helen mirren. do we have a picture. put it up there. what do you think? >> not particularly. >> jon: oh, no! really? really? >> i know jennifer lawrence, i have worked with her. >> jon: she is lovely. >> she and the "x-men". >> jon: exactly. she played mystique. >> yes. >> jon: see now. >> she is the blue one. >> jon: now you know that was my jam. now how about for you when you were sort of a young guy, did you read the comic books? were
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you interested this that sort of thing is was it a literature thing? >> well, they were american, and during the war, we didn't get much of anything from anywhere so the local comics were very paltry and nothing like the comics that you have, so no, i didn't read them. >> jon: during the -- do you recall the isolation of that? what was that feeling like? i didn't realize you were there during that time. >> well, i was born in 1939 and i lived in the north of england, we were safe from bombs and we had evacuees who came from london to live with us, and we had families to escape the blitz. but i slept under a metal table until i was five years old, in case there was a bomb in the house. we put tape over the windows so the germans couldn't see where we lived, it was a factor of life. >> jon: of doing that? >> yes. >> jon: i slept on a metal, under a metal table too because my parents didn't like me. >> but now you have got the tv program. >> jon: you are the most
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empathetic man. they didn't know that at the time. i even told them -- were they okay with you becoming an actor? >> well, my mother was -- by the time i became an actor she had said and it is a constant comfort to me, my aunt, if he decides to become an actor, i was 11 at the time, he would bring a lot of treasure to people. >> jon: that is lovely. [ cheers and applause ] >> jon: what a lovely sentiment. >> so i lived my life trying to get people to enjoy themselves. >> jon: isn't it interesting she said such an odd thing of thater he are a -- >> she loved to go to the theatre and she had a lot of pleasure in the audience and she dock me to the theatre so i thought being an actor was a good thing. >> jon: i always wondered in times of real strife and trouble that theatre provides such relief, you know, you in england and in that time, everybody is
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struggling, the theatre is such a wonderful escape for people. that magic. >> helen and, helen mirren and i were doing a play in 2001, the dance of death, it is by stenberg, a lot of popular shows in the mainstream audience, you couldn't get on and off the island, all of the long running shows, the producers had run out of audience because the out of towners weren't getting tickets. and we were the latest show in town and you couldn't get tickets that new yorkers absolutely had to go to the theatre. you had a sense there was a future, there was a life. >> jon: and there was ian mckellen bringing pleasure to people. >> there you go. >> jon: during our blitz while the rest of us were hiding under metal tables. is what we were doing. it is always such a pleasure, my friend, the hobbit in theaters on the 13th, ian ,x pd$c(r
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